Power Rankings

I got home at around 2am this morning from Boston and holy canoli, what a trip.  More on that later…

I’ve been sitting here in my Mom’s bedroom with her having a conversation about house values (wow zillow!), bachelorette parties, and of course, power rankings.  What, you might ask, are power rankings?  It’s basically my parent’s way of keeping their five kids competitive.  There’s Gold, Silver, and Bronze (while the other two are in some sort of nether realm).  This ranking is based on overall awesomeness.  Then we have superlative rankings: Most Intelligent, Nicest, Most Athletic, Most Sensitive, and Most Intelligent.

While reviewing the current power rankings, I was shocked to discover some recent changes.  For example, five years ago, Kevin was Gold, I was Silver, and Jason was Bronze.  Being in the Gold position, Kevin had the most power and could get away with saying and doing anything.  Probably even murder.

Here’s a snippet of the conversation I had with my mother:

  • Me: Who’s Gold now?
  • Mom: Anna.  She picked Dad and I up at the airport yesterday.  I sent an e-mail out to all the kids to see who could pick us up and she responded two minutes later.
  • Me: WHAT? I didn’t even get an e-mail.  This is NOT fair.
  • Mom: Well, I sent it to all the kids who are here, Megan included. (Megan is Jason’s fiancee).
  • Me: *Guffaw* Mom, I sent you flowers on Mother’s Day from ALL the way across the Pacific Ocean!  You got to enjoy them all week and brag to your friends at work.
  • Mom: Ok, you’re silver.  And Megan is bronze because she called us that day at 5pm to see if we had a ride yet.  Our flight got in at 10pm.  After we were already in the car with Anna and going through the tunnel (after our flight was delayed by 30 minutes), guess who calls?  Greg!  He said, ‘you guys still need a ride?’ *Better late than never, I suppose.
  •   Me: You know that Dad also ranks us on another scale, right?  Who do you think is the most attractive?
  • Mom: Greg.  Everyone thinks so.
  • Me: I know–he has beautiful eyes!  And the nicest?
  • Mom: (Pauses for a minute) … not Kevin.

Since I don’t want to go into the rest of the boring details, here’s the summary:

  • Gold: Anna
  • Silver: Cara
  • Bronze: Megan
  • Most Attractive: Greg
  • Most Athletic: Jason
  • Most Intelligent: Kevin (useless intelligence) and Cara (useful intelligence)
  • Nicest: Jason and Cara
  • Most Sensitive: Anna
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2 Responses to Power Rankings

  1. If Jason and Megan have a baby though look for them to make a dramatic surge to the top. Although then Anna could always counter with a baby of her own. And also, since Megan is in the rankings shouldn’t Jason Steenicety be in the mix as well? He’s got some great niceness skills I think. I’m starting to detect a little bit of preferential treatment towards people who have periods. You should really sit BOTH parents down to get the honest, balanced rankings.
    PS, I also sent those flowers to Mom since they came from the same continent and since I took credit for it before you did. I demand that this fact be put into consideration.

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  2. Cara Miller says:

    You can’t rule any of us out of this baby thing. I could pop a baby out tomorrow! I suppose Jason Steenbergy could be in the runnings, or maybe he already is, but hasn’t won any awards?

    PS Your logic is awful.

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