Learning To Be Alone

“Leave me alone” or “go away” were the words that I constantly heard growing up. Yup, I was the annoying little sister who was always there.

The five of us kept ourselves busy; we built forts out of blackberry bushes, played hide-and-go-seek, paraded up and down our street on the 4th of July, and shot hoops in the driveway… okay fine, Kevin would shoot and I would rebound, but I was happy just to be with him.

A childhood picture of my older siblings and me (in the middle with the blue dress)

As I grew up and my siblings moved away, I kept myself busy with sports, school, work, and anything else that would fill my schedule.

I’m scared of being alone because I have never had to be alone.

That’s part of the reason why I started on this trip–so that I could learn to be without people, without distractions, without things, and to truly love it.

When I made a trip up to the Daintree Rainforest in Australia, I was excited to be spend some time in the rainforest. I would be completely disconnected and distraction-free.

There were lots of activities to do in the Daintree Rainforest, but the one that excited me the most was the hike up Mt. Sorrow. They say that it’s a 5-7 hour difficult hike, only recommended for experienced bushwalkers with advanced fitness levels.

…ehhh, that’s me… right? 

I brought my pack, 3.5 liters of water, some light provisions, and was on my way.

Not even 10 minutes into the hike, I was covered in sweat and wanting to turn around. I heard some rustling in the bushes and got nervous, so I tried to justify the fact that I was giving up on the hike by telling myself that I was being smart. I mean, there was nobody else on the trail, it was more than 100 degrees out, and if anything happened to me, nobody would know for at least 6 or 7 hours when I was due to return.

So I turned around and started back down the hill.

After a few steps, I stopped. Isn’t this what I wanted? Some alone time in the rainforest, with just me and my thoughts? That, and poisonous snakes and spiders, deadly cassowaries, leeches falling from the trees, and crippling heat and humidity.

Yup. That’s exactly what I wanted. With a new found vigor, I turned back around and continued up the mountain (albeit extremely slowly).

After 5 1/2 hours, I made it out alive with only minor scrapes and bruisies, 40 new mosquito bites (or in Aussie terms, “mozzie bites”), and 2 leech bites.  I had time to myself to think, reflect, and ponder. To appreciate my freedom, the beauty surrounding me, and the future ahead of me.

I suppose that’s why it’s been so long since I last blogged. Instead of tying myself down to my computer, I’ve been out exploring myself. Give me leeches falling onto my head any day if that means that I can have some quality time alone with my thoughts. So to all of my readers out there (AKA Mom), I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing as often. I’ve been busy being alone.